Mobile versionTHE WORLD IS SIMILAR TO THE COLOR MEADOW IF NEAR YOU THE FRIEND!
When I was 12 years old, mother often cried, complained to me of the father. I awfully sympathized with her, was sorry, tried to help more about the house. I began to be rude to the father — he hurts mother. And then she had a lover. I then didn't know such word, mother explained that it is her friend, but the father doesn't like male friends therefore it is necessary to keep a secret, not to tell the father about calls. But I had to transfer to mother confidential messages from the friend. It was flatter, I was proud of mother's trust, told anybody-nobody. In it there was some special proximity:here we, two girlfriends, are whispered about boys. Mother began never to take me with herself on walks — and earlier.
Then mother decided to leave the father. It was very heavy and difficult for her, and the father just was on the brink of suicide. And I rushed about between them:I covered mother, I tried to console the
This adult woman is treated many years for a depression. She doesn't have relationship with men, she trusts nobody. And isn't able to protect itself at all, to express anger, to advocate the interests. In general the picture strongly looks like not processed trauma. But someone offended this girl? Mother treated her kindly, loved, didn't offend, was on friendly terms with her.
It is good when the child says:mummy my best friend, she everything-everything can be told, she will always listen, will prompt, will console. Competent mummy will also explain what happens to him, will call vague and unclear storms in soul some clever words, will tell about hormonal differences. It is destructive when mother does of the child a container for herself:loads in him (more often — in her) the secrets, sorrows and sores. Shares the problems, including sexual.
The father who went many years ago to other family communicates with the teenage daughter:tells her about the difficulties with the new wife, lets into a secret of a relationship with the mistress, is cried and complains. What is felt by the girl? That she was practically raped. She doesn't want to know about amorous adventures of the father, she doesn't need such frankness. It breaks her internal borders. She says that she would like to tell the father about herself, she wants that he listened to her, I gave advice, I supported. Instead, she should console him, to sympathize with the adult, to periodically forgive him jambs and to understand position. That is to do for him that work which is done normal by good parents for the
Violation of hierarchy is destructive. Actually, devoting the daughter in a detail of the relationship with other women, the parent does the child by the accomplice. Including — the accomplice sexual. That is we see the most natural incest. Let and psychological.
The confusion of roles arises in the head of the child:he is a child who will grow up and will make the family, or the partner of the
AND SOMEONE AT US THE HUSBAND?
The family is a system, a design. She has borders, laws and rules, roles are known. A task of parents — to feed, protect, bring up, to establish notorious rules. A task of children — to obey, to raise, continue a sort, to butt with ancestors and to go further. What occurs if this system turns over upside down?
If the parent opens for the child soul, he thereby pulls out the child from a subsystem children and places in a subsystem the adults, partners equal. In a relationship of two sexual partners which parents in family are, the third participant — the child appears. He is ahead of schedule entered into adulthood, its intimacy is broken, in soul turmoil and
Upon it it is possible to consider an incest and
Strangely enough, less perniciously, when the parent asks the child not to tell about grists, credit purchases. Besides flying the flag we with you friends, and at them can be the small secrets. Therefore you don't speak to the father how many cost these boots, it isn't necessary to upset him. And you don't say to mother that I on the GAI officer flew and I gave all money to him because boozy I was.
Money is and a symbol of the power in family, a maturity, and if the child is handed this symbol ahead of time before his own experience is accumulated, it at least is strange. The essence from it doesn't change:the child passes from a children's role to adult that confuses his internal settings and prevents to grow.
GENERATIONS OF PEPSI AND HIPPIE
Let's consider the idea of friendship with children through a prism of
Those to someone now 50 — 60 years — post-war children. What were their relationship with parents? Most often — any. Parents worked day and night, many had no fathers, the school and public organizations were engaged in education. It is difficult for us to present it now, but mothers were forced to come to work in a month after the birth of the child who was sent to a day nursery or for a five-day week. The heaviest trauma of an early deprivation, attachments is almost not present, one debt and
This generation — future men of the sixties — and remained teenagers:creative, talented, pioneers. Very little which of them had really close, trusting relationship with parents. They watched that the son didn't go on a bad path that the daughter not brought in a hem, on bigger they just weren't enough. About any children's psychology there was no speech also, pressed the authority, pressed and punished.
And then representatives of that generation decided that they will treat the children absolutely differently. They will take them with themselves everywhere, to drive in campaigns and on exhibitions, to love very much, will always be near and will never throw. Never. Even if children will beat off hands and legs and to shout:Let, painfully!
And the most important — they are on friendly terms with children. Participate in their parties, order to call on you and by name, never close a door to the room (and forbid the child), want to be aware of everything that happens to the child. It, of course, very pleasant, when to the child of years 5 — 7. But when the teenager has no opportunity to be alone when mother or the father without knock enter his room where he retired with the girlfriend when …
When his borders break constantly and broken. And it is impossible to be indignant — we are friends, we so love you. It is very difficult to defend itself when opposite not enemies, but
You remember, in the first part of Harry Potter Dumbledore awards at the end of Harry, Ron, Hermione for the shown courage, mind, resourcefulness and fidelity. And then gives decisive 10 points to Nevill Dolgopups:We know how many the courage is necessary to resist to the enemy. But a bigger courage is necessary to argue with the friend.
We see a similar situation and Europe and America:after generation of hippie, with their idea of universal brotherhood, sex drugs rock'n'rolls, down with laws and the free love is well!, the generation of the yuppie appeared:sanctimonious, is exaggerated law-abiding, hyper responsible.
The family performs a set of important functions, and safety — the foremost of them. But if in generations to - and post-war safety was required first of all physical (to be protected from the enemy, to save from starvation, to save from attack), then grandsons of war to the forefront had safety psychological:to defend borders of the personality, not to allow to break itself morally.
And friendship is a lack of all borders between people. It we with you are uniform, we have all the general, any secrets, any secrets from each other.
Only the adult and the child stand on different levels. And the secret, vyplakanny at night to the closest friend, pulls together or parts equal people. And the child — not equal.
THE SECRET COVERED WITH THE GLOOM
Apparently, the real loss is caused by secrets. The magic, warm feeling of proximity and trust cause joint occupations of the parent with the child anything:to catch fish, to sew dolls, to go hiking. Even joint making of manicure won't do much harm.
And what puts? Inclusion of the child in sexual life of parents. Even in the form of a dream in the general bed because to mother differently it is terrible and cold. And when the father acquaints children with each new companion — he anyway shows to children a part of the intimate
Children have the right not to know about what directly doesn't concern them. You shouldn't impose them data on how the adult part of the life proceeds. Friendship is a relationship equal.
Katerina Dyomina
